Things I'll Never Say
by half-goddess-Katia
Summary: This is a songfic based on Ryo's thoughts one day after the 4th book. Please be kind, this is my first FAKE fiction.


Things I'll Never Say  
  
AN: This is set shortly after the fourth book. I know the fifth is already out, but the idea suddenly hit me.  
  
This is based completely on Ryo's thoughts.  
  
Disclaimer: Neither the song "Things I'll Never Say" nor FAKE belong to me. "Things I'll Never Say" belongs to Avril Lavigne and all associated companies. FAKE belongs to Sanami Matoh, may the fates smiles kindly upon this great woman, and all associated companies. As I am a 15 year-old high school student I am neither.  
  
~*~*~*~ is the transition from song to story of vice-versa  
  
On with the story.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Dee, he's always on my thoughts. I just can't seem to admit what I think about him. For some reason I want to deny it, but it's becoming harder with every passing day that I see him.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
I'm tugging at my hair  
  
I'm pulling at my hair  
  
I'm trying to keep my cool  
  
I know it shows  
  
I'm staring at my feet  
  
My cheeks are turning red  
  
I'm searching for the words inside my head  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
No matter what, I've never totally resisted his advances. Even at the beginning when I was honestly ticked that he had kissed me. And no matter what, I've never hit him like I did Rose. For some reason my body just doesn't react despite the more forward ways he's shown me he cared.  
  
I know that I care for him, but I can't seem to admit it to anyone but myself, and even that's difficult. But recently it's been even harder to keep all of it hidden as I had before. The recent bombing incident showed that to me quite clearly. When I heard the bomb explode I thought my heart had stopped. My body just seemed to react on it's own when I ran into the building in search of my partner. And when I found him I was so relieved. I just threw myself at him and kissed him out of relief. I had been so afraid that I would never see him again. I didn't even realize what I was doing or saying until later.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Cause I'm feeling nervous  
  
Trying to be so perfect  
  
Cause I know you're worth it  
  
You're worth it  
  
Yeah  
  
If I could say what I want to say  
  
I'd say I wanna blow you away  
  
Be with you every night  
  
Am I squeezing you too tight  
  
If I could say what I want to see  
  
I want to see you go down  
  
On one knee  
  
Marry me today  
  
Guess, I'm wishing my life away  
  
With these things I'll never say  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
I had realized exactly what I'd said and done when Dee mentioned it later in the hospital. He also brought up a previous incident when my body had acted before I'd thought. Both have brought to the forefront of my mind something I've been trying to deny since I first lay eyes on him. I...I love Dee. But I can hardly make myself think that, much less express it aloud. But why?  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
It don't do my any good  
  
It's just a waste of time  
  
What use is it to you  
  
What's on my mind  
  
If it ain't coming out  
  
We're not going anywhere  
  
So why can't I just tell you that I care  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
If the Chief and then the nurse hadn't interrupted us that day, I honestly don't know what I would've or could've said to him. I know what I feel, but knowing and admitting are two completely different things. I just don't understand why I have such a hard time showing him that I care. I know he wouldn't turn me down, so why?  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Cause I'm feeling nervous  
  
Trying to be so perfect  
  
Cause I know you're worth it  
  
You're worth it  
  
Yeah  
  
If I could say what I want to say  
  
I'd say I wanna blow you away  
  
Be with you every night  
  
Am I squeezing you too tight  
  
If I could say what I want to see  
  
I want to see you go down  
  
On one knee  
  
Marry me today  
  
Guess, I'm wishing my life away  
  
With these things I'll never say  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Maybe it's because I'm still not completely sure of his intentions. I know he says he loves me, but he doesn't always take things completely seriously. I guess I'm afraid that I'm just another conquest to him. I know of his reputation as a player from before. Maybe that's why I can't say the things I know to be true.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
What's wrong with my tongue  
  
These words keep slipping away  
  
I stutter, I stumble  
  
Like I've got nothing to say  
  
Cause I'm feeling nervous  
  
Trying to be so perfect  
  
Cause I know you're worth it  
  
You're worth it  
  
Yeah  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
I know now more than ever. I have the proof laid out before my eyes as plain as day. Especially when I think back to the first time he kissed me.  
  
I still remember when he kissed me in my apartment the first night after we met Carol. I could hardly stand. The kiss and then the look in his eyes afterward had left my utterly breathless.  
  
Then that winter after the orphanage was blown up and penguin was injured. When he had kissed me then I just couldn't make myself fight back. Maybe it was some instinct to offer him some form of comfort, I still don't know. I just know that I couldn't make myself stop him and if he hadn't stopped God only knows what would've happened.  
  
Then when he had the gun pointed at me I know that I wouldn't have changed that. I was willing to risk myself getting killed just to stop his from becoming a murderer. Especially when he started saying that he wasn't my partner anymore. That hurt me more than I ever let him know. I felt as if someone really had shot me right then.  
  
There was also the shouting match he brought up. I had gotten so caught up in trying to best him that I lost my temper. I almost let something slip. I'm not sure what caused me to stop. I am very thankful that the phone rang just then because things could've gotten very awkward otherwise. And later when I had asked him to kiss me. That was the first time I really relaxed and responded to his advances. I know I had let him kiss me before, but I had never really kissed him back.  
  
And recently we were talking in this very apartment. When he brought up lust that made things even more confusing. And it also brought up new doubts. I just can't seem to get rid of the doubt of what if he only wants sex, as I know he does. I hate this insecurity, but I can't get rid of it.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Guess I'm wishing my life away with these things I'll never say  
  
If I could say what I want to say  
  
I'd say I wanna blow you away  
  
Be with you every night  
  
Am I squeezing you too tight  
  
If I could say what I want to see  
  
I want to see you go down  
  
On one knee  
  
Marry me today  
  
Yes, I'm wishing my life away  
  
With these things I'll never say  
  
These things I'll never say  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
I guess I'll never be able to say what I really feel aloud. I do love him, but I'll never say it. Things will just keep going as they already are. I'll just keep pushing him away. I do love him but I guess thinking this is just a waste of time because it's something I'll never say. No, as things are I still can't. But one day, who knows. Who knows.  
  
End  
  
AN: So what do you think. This is my first FAKE fic so please don't be too hard on me. Please read and review. Thanks! 


End file.
